Long Time -- No Post

It’s been a while since I have updated everyone on the life of times of me. And although I’m sure the Facebook and Instagram have let you into a glimpse of what is my life I thought I’d put it into words since let’s be honest on occasion I can be quite funny.

It’s been almost two years since I have last wrote a blog post so in order to expedite the process and get you all up to speed I will just say that a lot has happened.

Cliff Notes: My best friend Whitney had a baby. I have the same friends one of them still being Melissa who I still want to murder. There have been new jobs. New friends. New loves. Same drinking tendencies.

In my last post I talked about what turning 26 meant to me and listed the things in which I would try to not do and/or do. As I am quickly coming upon yet another birthday in which I find myself turning 28 I thought I would update you as to how my 26-year old goals turned out.

1.    I will no longer drunk dial my grandma – I think I’ve done a pretty job of not doing this. Although this may be perhaps because I have tried to put myself on phone restriction when drunk and not call and/or text anyone. My next goal is to not drunk facebook post.

2.    Spend an excessive amount of money on alcohol over the course of a weekend – FAIL.

3.     Buy shots for everyone at the bar which leads to a ridiculous bar tab – FAIL.

4.    Lose my driver’s license at bars – FAIL. But I have consistently carried my passport around with me for the past year and haven’t lost that so that has to mean something.

5.    No longer will I accumulate a large amount of parking tickets – FAIL. All those pretty roads you are driving on and the improvements they are making around the city of San Diego – You’re welcome.

6.    I will save money – Please see above excessive amount of money spent at bars failures.

7.    I will no longer fantasize about being adopted by the Jolie-Pitts – I no longer fantasize about being adopted by them. I do however think that I should have been a Kardashian. Auntie Kris Its Me!

8.    I will be on time for work. (Ok, well I will try to be on time for work) – Define on time.

As you can see not a lot has changed since my last post other than my sexual preference -- although that happened sometime back in 2009 or 2010.

Don’t get me wrong some things have changed and although I do like to talk about alcohol a lot I am not an alcoholic – mainly because I don’t go to meetings. And let’s be honest no great story started with “So I was eating a salad.” Most great stories start with “so I was at a bar” or “so I woke up with my pants off” usually after a night of drinking. But before I go off on another tangent with my ADD driven mind I will just say that some things have changed and I have matured a lot. Now, instead of being like an 18 year old, I’d say I’m more of a 23 year old in maturity. Huge difference.

As I am quickly approaching my 30’s it’s time to start being more of a grown up. I mean I have my own place, a good paying job, two animals and all the necessities I need currently but I legitimately need to start saving and planning the next chapter in my life. Plus my hangovers last 2-3 days now so I need to limit the amount in which I drink (and spend on drinking) or become a professional alcoholic. And believe me if there was a job out there for a Professional Alcoholic of which the qualifications were “must love to drink” I’d sign up. Sadly despite my many daily attempts at aimlessly searching the internet for a job of such kind – I have not found one.  

So I need to save money. And I need to start taking better care of my stuff and myself. Let’s be honest at times I have trouble taking care of myself. Example – For whatever reason I am always out of toilet paper and then I’ll move to paper towels. Many a times I have had to borrow some TP from the neighbors. And at one point I was sitting on the toilet and had to call my neighbor to bring some to me in the bathroom. Lesson to be learned here – you don’t want to be my neighbor.

But back to being on the cusp of turning 28 and the things I want to do in my old age well....I need to think about what it is I want to do and set some goals. I shall update you all (Grandma, Mom and the one other person who reads this) as to what those are soon enough.

Long time comin'

Hello all my loyal blog fans (aka my grandma and mom) after a far too long hiatus from the blogging/writing world I am happy to say that I am back. 


I realize it’s been far too long since I last wrote. I do apologize for this leave of absence however my life has been quite hectic since our last meeting and despite loving to talk about myself - as I’m sure many of you whom I associate with on a daily basis have come to know and maybe even become heavily annoyed with – I haven’t found the time to put it into writing. You see I have been a busy little bee.


Ok maybe I’ve just been lazy. But for whatever the reasoning, I am back and will try to keep you updated on the life of times of me (as I know it is a very exciting life I run).

I would get you all caught up on the time in between my last post and now however that could be a short novel and so I will spare you the details and start anew.

With 2011 gone and 2012 already underway I tried to take some time out of my busy schedule (of sleeping, eating, working, drinking and being lazy) to reflect on the year passed.

Many have a New Year resolution that they make in hopes of quitting something, losing weight and bettering themselves but for me I have an enumerable amount of resolutions in which I wanted to make in which I think will make my life better.

            
                1. Quit smoking.

2. Spend more time with family and friends that are like family.

3. Save money.

4. Become famous.

5. Win the lotto.

6. Kill Melissa Romero. (Yes we still talk daily and still utterly annoy the shit out of each other).

7. Bring Chris Paul or Dwight Howard to the Lakers.

8. Have better style.

I do realize that many of these are far beyond reach (like me saving money) but a girl can dream and I can work on the other more attainable ones in the meantime.

I also turned 26 this past year. While I don’t think I thought too extensively at the time about what this would mean (as I was intoxicated and ended up at a strip club) since then I have done some thinking. You see for 26 years I have tried to emulate my life after that of the Kardashians. Yet despite having a fat ass like Kim (but one that doesn’t make me millions), a love for the brothers and amazing personality like Khloe and a recent dysfunctional relationship like Kourtney I have come to the conclusion that I will never be one of them. As sad as I was when I came to this realization I have finally accepted it (kind of).

So with the coming of a new year in age I guess you could say that I have now realized that I will never become adopted by the Kardashians or the Jolie-Pitts - (despite numerous pleadings and letters to them which have been unanswered for whatever the reason maybe I sent it to the wrong address?) - and so (dun dun dun) its time to grow up and be more responsible. I have tried to resist this for so long. But I think the time has come.

Not to say that I am going to become like a real boring responsible adult but rather a Brittany responsible adult. What does this mean you may ask...

Well it means a few things like: I will no longer drunk dial my grandma, spend an excessive amount of money on alcohol over the course of a weekend, buy shots for everyone at the bar which leads to a ridiculous bar tab, lose my driver’s license at bars, no longer will I accumulate a large amount of parking tickets, I will try to save money, I will no longer fantasize about being adopted by the Jolie-Pitts, and I will be on time for work. (Ok, well I will try to be on time for work).

Whew. I think that’s a pretty good list for now. I mean I can't just all of a sudden become as responsible as Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton overnight. It will take time but I am willing to try.

Now I must work so that I can earn money so that I can blow it - I mean save it.....

In Limbo

I know all my blog fans - aka my Grandma, Mom, and Aunt Alison - will be thrilled to know that after a far too long hiatus from the wonderful world of blogging - I am back.

If you know me then you know that I had taken a short "leave of absence" from the working world. And by "leave of absence" I mean the last two jobs I had laid me off. And by laid me off I mean they fired me.

But whatever the case may be and much to the disarray of many who thought I could either: A. Never get a job or B. Never hold a job C. Get a job but never hold one and D. All of the above - I am back to working the 'ol 9 to 5.

I have even managed to hold this job for over three months which to most seems like nothing but to me is nothing short of a personal accomplishment. The three month mark marks the end of the probationary period, the beginning of health and dental benefits and the ability to surf the web while maintaining the "I'm extremely busy don't bother me" work mode face.

And yet, while I have now set myself apart from the 12.3 percent of Californians who find themselves unemployed, I now seemingly find myself much like Leonardo DiCaprio found himself in the movie Inception: in limbo, or rather in an intermediate or transitional state (thanks to dictionary.com for that definition).

Only for me this is not a high grossing summer blockbuster hit about a dream within a dream but a reality I find myself faced with.

I am currently at a weird age and cross roads in my life a sort of "in limbo" if you will - I have yet to win the lotto or stumble upon billions of dollars via Oprah's last will and testament and so I am in the process (as I have been the last two years since I graduated college) of deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have been torn between many ideas all of which require a strong commitment and dedication and Lord knows I am horrible at commitment.

Example: I can't even commit to how I should do my hair on a day-to-day basis - curly or straight? I can't decide on one way or another and so it usually ends up looking like a mixture of the two which on rare occasions looks good but on any other given day looks like I just woke up after sleeping in a wind tunnel.

But back to this sort of crossroads - I find myself constantly entertaining the question of "what now?"

I find myself in the midst of an ultra important decision comparable to LeBron James' decision as to what team he would play for for the next six years. And while I too would like to move down to South Beach and bless that fine city with my presence, the chances of me joining the NBA, being guaranteed $110 million dollars for six years of work and turning into an African American male are almost like the chances that Michael Jackson; the cute little large nosed black child who sang his ABC's to national audiences, would one day be a small nosed white man. Oh wait. Bad example.

Well the chances of that happening are from no chance to not a chance in hell.

Because unlike LeBron James, I will never be an NBA all-star nor make that much money. Nobody will want me to work for them that bad and my decision - as to what I want to do for the next six years - will not be a broadcast special showcased on ESPN.

So I ask myself and you the reader should I go back to school? If so, what school Law School or Grad School?

Furthermore what should I do for the rest of my life?

I obviously am incapable of making this decision on my own and need help the only real decision I have made thus far is that prostitution and stripping are out of my life plans.

So for suggestions please call. And if you don't have my number it's for good reason.

My Attempt At A Short Story

As the sun-filled summer months faded into fall an improbable romance was brought to life.  A romance, which with the arrival of autumn, took shape and blossomed much like the flowers of spring whose sweet scent fills the air around them. 

These two lives - that to those from the outside looking in seemed so different - crossed paths and were brought together as the seasons began to change.  But what these two did not know was that at the end of their love affair they too would be forever changed.

This particular love affair began like most - with a momentary act of passion. 

From the very beginning the attraction was strong.  What began as a random act of lust turned into a dominant desire and need to be around each other.  All too soon their hunger for one another turned into intense cravings, only able to be quenched by the touch of the other.

Hours turned into days and days turned into nights. 

Neither one expected anything.  Neither one was looking for anything. But like most things in life the unexpected happens when you least expect it to. 

It grew to more than just a fling.  More than just a coincidental meeting.  It grew into love. 

Was it coincidence?  Was it just by chance?  Or was it fate that brought you to me?

I could feel the cool crisp air sting my face as we walked hand-in-hand down the dim lit back streets of the city. 

The smell of wood burning in the chimneys of the houses we walked past vanished into the dark depths of the night as my senses became consumed by your scent.

Though the temperature was low, as the fall breeze shook down the red and yellow leaves of the trees that lined our path, walking with you by my side brought a warmth throughout my body.  

Our eyes would meet and we would become transfixed on one another.  I would look into your dark tantalizing eyes and feel like I could see inside you.  I would feel like I could see the real you behind the mask that had been put up to allow you to avoid ever getting too involved.  I would feel like I could see above and beyond the wall that you had put up to protect yourself. That protected you from being hurt like you had been before. 

I would run my fingers through your hair just to have your scent on my hand.  I would breathe in your scent and let it linger, wishing this moment would never end.  Wishing you would one day be mine and this - our love - would never end. 

The soft brush of your skin against mine would bring a shock of chills down my spine.

Time seemed to stop when I was wrapped up in your warm embrace.  In our own world we would escape that which was pulling us in every different direction.  In our own world we were inseparable.  In our own world everything was perfect. 

Your touch was what I had been yearning for, what I had been waiting for.  Everything I had been wanting and more.  We would get lost in the stories we shared and the laughter that characterized our conversations.  

Laying lazily in bed talking about the past and planning the future were the times when I was most content.  How sweet it would be if those small moments in which we would lay within each others tight grasp would last forever.  How sweet it would be if this could go on forever. How sweet it would be if this - us - would one day be the forever I have dreamt about.  

How sweet this could have been and still could be. 

It was by chance we met. But for what reason?  But for what purpose?  Were we merely supposed to get a glimpse of what could be?  Of how sweet this love could be?

Only to be left with a broken heart and a feeling of loss?  A feeling of emptiness?  Is this forbidden love?  Were we merely supposed to get a taste of what real love is only for it to be taken from us?  

If only the feelings we so deeply have for one another could overshadow the harsh realities in which we live.  If only we could be in love like this without giving into the expectations and judgements of the outside world.  If only we could forget everyone else, everything else and run into the dusk.  Leave everything that was holding us back in the haunting shadows of the night. 

We can't be together now.  We can't be together tomorrow.  We must grow separate so that we can grow as one.  All we have is time.  

If fate brought us together it will bring us back together again.

The seasons will continue to change. Winter with all her glory will soon sweep away the leaves of autumn, leaving behind no trace of the vibrant colors that once brightened the trees.  Many more seasons will come and go as time continues to move forward but my love for you will never go away. 

And so all I can do is wait until the day that you are once again in my arms.  

All I can do is wait until the day that you are mine. 

Randomness

In the midst of the current economic situation I am now one of the 9.5 percent of Americans and 12.3 percent of Californians who find themselves unemployed. 

Since I have graduated from UCLA I have held two jobs both of which laid me off after I had been employed for a little over five months - you can file unemployment after working for a company for six months. Coincidence that right before I would be able to file unemployment I got laid off? I think not. 

It used to be that a college degree from a highly ranked university would guarantee you at least a decent job but now after being unemployed for a little over two weeks a management position at the local McDonald's is starting to look like a pretty good gig for me. Hey at least I would be able to sample the menu. On the other hand I would probably get fired faster than you can say "super size it" as I can picture myself turning down obese patrons. 

"Sorry we are currently unable to serve you because your fat ass does not need any more lard but Subway is right around the corner and I'm sure you can find a suitable meal there but you should hold the mayo." 

Note to anyone: ordering a Diet Coke with your Big Mac and super-sized fries does not make your lunch or dinner healthy. At all. 

Calories - Big Mac : 576, Large fry : 500. And for all of you who cannot add that is 1076 calories when a normal person should only consume about 1400 calories on a daily basis. You might as well order the regular coke. Fat ass. 

And so as you can see I now have an immense amount of free time on a day-to-day basis to -think about and research ridiculous topics (please see afore mentioned McDonald's topic), eat, sleep, look for jobs, look into the refrigerator hoping that miraculously some new food has magically appeared and finally contemplate whether or not I should be more productive. 

On an average day I wake up around 8 a.m. send out resumes, refresh craigslist about 25 times, send out more resumes, eat, watch t.v., listen to music, talk to Melissa five hundred times about absolutely nothing, read about my families' ridiculous Farmville conquests on facebook, and have numerous stare down contests with Stella. 

It seems now more than ever is the best time to go back to school however banks are turning down potential loan applicants faster than Lincoln University is turning down fat students' graduation dreams. 

But oh don't you worry in order to get our minds off the shit hole that is our struggling economy tabloids have flourished. Most Americans get a kick out of other people's tragedies. What better way to feel better about ourselves than by reading about celebrities public displays of retardation. 

If I hear one more thing about Jon and Kate's divorce or Tiger Woods marital indiscretions I may jump off my balcony or kick a baby. Do we not have anything better to do than revel in the mishaps of those in the public eye? Why don't we deter our attention away from the non-important lives of celebrities and instead focus on bigger issues like oh, I don't know, global warming? The recession? The conflict in the Middle East? Or how UCLA basketball can reestablish a dominate defensive presence and start showing a strong offensive prowess? 

Those are the topics that we should concern ourselves with. 

Instead more Americans subscribe to and read about the lives of those they do not know rather than about the national issues that directly effect them. 

And we still wonder how our nation has become plagued by ignorance and apathy.

OTL Weekend

Over the Line is a San Diego tradition that is a sort of softball derivative and combines sexual overtones with copious amounts of alcohol consumption.  Some take the so-called sport seriously but many others who participate in the event, such as ourselves, drink all day and attempt to bat and catch on the hot sand.

Even if you don't participate by playing, the overall experience is one that should not be missed as older women parade around in clothing, or rather lack there of, that would make any sane person vomit while older men try to get any willing gal to show their boobs.

This year rather than being a spectator as I had in previous years, Kaylee, Jenny, Stephanie and I decided to play. Now although we didn't have a raunchy name which has come to define OTL, we represented Kaylee's grandma's bar called The Waterfront.

Unfortunately for me and my liver, the night before I decided it was a great idea to stay up until 7:30 a.m. drinking. While my intentions were good that night the next day -- when we were going to partake in OTL -- my head and stomach tried to punish me.

Note to self: If you have previous engagements that require physical labor in the hot sun do not drink the night before or else you will contemplate jumping out of a moving vehicle on the freeway.

We get to Fiesta Island and I still feel like I want to die. Luckily for me I ran into people I knew who had beer. 

Ah, nothing better than a cold one to cure the hangover.

We meet up and three beers later our game is about to begin. We were nervous yeah but knew no matter what happened then and there, there would be more alcohol to be consumed and more men to be met. 

We ended up winning our first game and decided to celebrate by drinking more, which is only customary to the game of OTL. Mom and Grandma, I think it's an actual rule that you must be intoxicated while playing.

So only wanting to fit in and comply with the rules of the game us four girls drank.

Our next game wasn't quit as eventful as we got killed. 

Then and there I decided that OTL wasn't just about the game but rather enjoying your surroundings which consisted of:

• White trash
  
• Women in thongs
• Old men wearing hats that had penis' on them
• Golf carts with huge penis' on the front
• Women flashing
• Young kids crying when the cops caught them drinking
• Lesbians playing in the women's league
• Etc. Etc.

I think my favorite team name of the day was "She Told Me It Was Just A Rash."

So after once again getting killed in our third and final game the day seemed to be over. But since I had a bit of alcohol in me I didn't want it to end. My friends on the other hand were ready to go. They walked towards the car and I followed yet having ADD I got distracted along the way meeting new people and making guys give me drinks.

We didn't pay for a drink the whole day.

Every time Jenny and Kaylee would look behind them to their dismay I would have another free drink in my hand and a cigarette -- since we ran out early in the day -- and despite their anger in having to babysit me, they happily took the cigarette I had and smoked it. 

At least I come bearing gifts when I am drunk. 

Fourth Of July

Kaylee and I have a tradition of hanging out on the 4Th of July. And by hanging out I mean we get hammered, sometimes pass out before the fireworks have gone off and make awesome day-drinking decisions that aren't so awesome the next day ... and this year was no exception. 

We had planned to go to her grandma's beach house in Mission Beach which has been our usual hang out in prior years but instead opted to switch things up and go on our friend Brian's boat in Coronado Bay.

Are reasoning for abandoning our previous plans were such:

• We would be taken care of by friends who would not allow us to make bad day-drinking decisions.
  
• The food was free.
  
• The alcohol was free.
• We wouldn't have to pretend to act sober around her grandma.
• The alcohol was free.

And so on Friday the 3rd we spent the night at our friend Brian's house in Mission Valley since we planned to get up early the next day in order to enjoy a full day of sun, drinking and boating.

FYI: Our fourth of July tradition also entails enjoying a few too many cocktails the night before. 

And so only to keep the tradition alive, not because we are alcoholics, we decided it would only seem fit to consume a few adult beverages throughout the course of the night. Some of our friends came over to also partake in the drinking festivities and the night began.

We proceeded to play drinking games and get Brian's 19-year-old sister in the mix -- who ended up drinking us under the table like a champ and claim that no matter how strong we made the drink it was not strong enough.

Since Kaylee had to go to work at 4:30 the next morning I decided I would drink for the both of us and allow her to go to sleep at the reasonable hour of 2:00 a.m.  Now while I may not remember the exact sequence of events I do remember loudly playing Shakira in Spanish and impressing everyone by reciting the lyrics.  And by everyone I mean anyone who was listening and by everyone who was listening I mean I impressed myself since no one was listening. 

I proceeded to stay up until 5:00 a.m. in order to see Kaylee off to work and then pass out. 

I was abruptly awoken at 9:00 a.m. by some friends who had the bright idea of not getting hammered the night before but instead opting to drink on the fourth. 

I wanted to die. 

I didn't think I could make it through the day.

But being the amazing person I am I toughed it out and we picked up Kaylee at the Waterfront and headed down to the dock. 

Now all of Brian's family was there but since they have seen me through my fair share of rough nights I knew I could not embarrass myself.  That is until I realized in addition to his immediate family, his parents friends was there.  I knew then and there that I was going to make an ass out of myself as I do not have a filter when I get tipsy.

We took one of the boats out on a run and went tubing.  That was my first mistake.  As I got into the cool ocean water I immediately started thinking of the Jaws theme song everyone is so fond of and tried to climb back in the boat.  But they wouldn't let me. I started hyperventilating as even the beer at that point couldn't calm my nerves. I thought the next best thing was to get on the tube. I felt a bit of security when I climbed on it.  

The next mistake I made was riding on a one person tube with Kaylee as we both nudged for positioning so that we wouldn't fall off into the depths of the deep blue sea and get eaten by Jaws.

I have never had a tighter grip on something in my life, my knuckles turned white and I promised myself no matter what I would not fall off that damn tube. I'm pretty sure I would of pushed a small child or puppy off the tube if it meant that I would be safe and secure on it.

In the end we both did not fall off and we got safely back onto the boat, immediately popped open a cold one and lit a smoke after our tubing success.

We went back to the dock and ate.

Now Kaylee, unknown to me, snuck off and passed out in Brian's parents yacht.  So Brian, me, and his two friends decided to take the boat on yet another run. It was all fun and games until we were out in the middle of the ocean far away from the dock and a line got stuck in the engine and both the engine's would not turn back on.

Shit.

I was soaking wet and it felt like it was below zero outside.  We had to put it in neutral and put the whole way back.

My life flashed before my eyes, my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of the ocean.

By now it was dark outside and no one could see us as the fireworks were about to begin.  I curled into the fetal position and started yelling help to anyone or thing that passed by. The boys yelled at me to shut up but we were stuck out there in the middle of the ocean with no more alcohol or a lighter. What would you do?

I started panicking. Luckily I screamed loud enough so that someone heard me and we got a lighter. I felt a bit more at ease.

Three freezing hours later we got back to the dock and I have never felt so great in my life. I still think I should call into the show "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and tell them my story. I would definitely be on it.

Mind you this whole time Kaylee was peacefully sleeping in the warm confines of Brian's parents boat.

Perhaps next year Kaylee and I will stick to our usual plan of going to the beach house so at least then I won't almost die by getting stuck in the middle of the ocean.