The Birds and the Bees

It can happen at any time and any place. It can happen when you're least expecting it. You never want it to happen, you pray to God, Buddha, Brad Pitt or whoever you worship to not let it come to this but chances are you have experienced "the talk."

You know that awkward conversation with your parents or even your family members about the "birds and the bees."

On a Side Note:
What the hell do birds and bees have to do with sex? I'm not a biologist and don't claim to be an expert on the creation of species but I'm pretty sure birds and bees don't fornicate with one another nor do they don't make some new hybrid animal. Whoever the sick person was who thought about birds and bees doing it should be put on some sort of medication.
On second thought maybe I should increase my dosage of medication because the more I entertain the idea of birds and bees having sex the more I like the scenario.

Now you may be saying what the hell is this girl talking about but picture this:

The bird is the female and the bee is the male.

The two meet and decide they are both adults and should have a night of reckless passion.

The bird ultimately gets what she wants out of the deal (yeah she's a little sore afterward with the bee stinging her and all) but then the bee dies (because a bee can only sting once).

Now the bird doesn't have to worry about STD's because she knows it was his first time, she doesn't worry about faking a headache later because he wants more lovin' and she doesn't have to worry about him running off to tell all his bee friends about their sexual charade because he's dead.

Sounds great to me.

But back to the talk about the "birds and the bees" with your family. Now this is already an awkward enough conversation as noone wants to talk about bodily fluids, functions or whatever with their parents. Nor does anyone want to hear or think about their conception.

I too have had this talk with my mom and dad and it was bad but it did not come close to being as bad as having the same sort of conversation with my boss who I have known for a whole two weeks.

And this is how it went down:

While in the midst of what I thought was an innocent tutorial from my boss about how to use a certain website to quote sources when writing it quickly turned into the most awkward thing ever.
While showing me a website about Law I foolishly divulged a bit of my personal life to him by telling him I already knew about the site because I used to date a lawyer.

Note to Self: Never say anything to boss anymore.

Upon hearing that I used to "date" my boss proclaimed "you're not allowed to have a boyfriend!"

Second Note to Self: Look into terrets syndrome and observe boss to see if he has it.

After his comment that I was not allowed to have a boyfriend I made an awkward laugh as I realized my previous statement about dating someone just opened pandora's box. The next statement from my boss was that all men are assholes and only want one thing. Hmmmm I wonder what that one thing could be? Could it be the same thing I want?
(Grandma I'm talking about chocolate cake).

My boss then proceeds to tell me they only want one thing and when they get it they leave and that I should wait for the right guy.

The following options ran through my head:

A. Run away
B. Cry
C. Kill myself
D. Run away, Cry and then Kill myself

Any of those would of been better than trying to maintain a straight face while being told by my superior that abstinence is the way because men love 'em and leave 'em.

Wow.

And if I thought that was the end of it I was wrong.... the very next day he presumed to tell me about Ray Charles and how the effect of heroin is much like that of an orgasm.
And I thought I was crazy....