Randomness

In the midst of the current economic situation I am now one of the 9.5 percent of Americans and 12.3 percent of Californians who find themselves unemployed. 

Since I have graduated from UCLA I have held two jobs both of which laid me off after I had been employed for a little over five months - you can file unemployment after working for a company for six months. Coincidence that right before I would be able to file unemployment I got laid off? I think not. 

It used to be that a college degree from a highly ranked university would guarantee you at least a decent job but now after being unemployed for a little over two weeks a management position at the local McDonald's is starting to look like a pretty good gig for me. Hey at least I would be able to sample the menu. On the other hand I would probably get fired faster than you can say "super size it" as I can picture myself turning down obese patrons. 

"Sorry we are currently unable to serve you because your fat ass does not need any more lard but Subway is right around the corner and I'm sure you can find a suitable meal there but you should hold the mayo." 

Note to anyone: ordering a Diet Coke with your Big Mac and super-sized fries does not make your lunch or dinner healthy. At all. 

Calories - Big Mac : 576, Large fry : 500. And for all of you who cannot add that is 1076 calories when a normal person should only consume about 1400 calories on a daily basis. You might as well order the regular coke. Fat ass. 

And so as you can see I now have an immense amount of free time on a day-to-day basis to -think about and research ridiculous topics (please see afore mentioned McDonald's topic), eat, sleep, look for jobs, look into the refrigerator hoping that miraculously some new food has magically appeared and finally contemplate whether or not I should be more productive. 

On an average day I wake up around 8 a.m. send out resumes, refresh craigslist about 25 times, send out more resumes, eat, watch t.v., listen to music, talk to Melissa five hundred times about absolutely nothing, read about my families' ridiculous Farmville conquests on facebook, and have numerous stare down contests with Stella. 

It seems now more than ever is the best time to go back to school however banks are turning down potential loan applicants faster than Lincoln University is turning down fat students' graduation dreams. 

But oh don't you worry in order to get our minds off the shit hole that is our struggling economy tabloids have flourished. Most Americans get a kick out of other people's tragedies. What better way to feel better about ourselves than by reading about celebrities public displays of retardation. 

If I hear one more thing about Jon and Kate's divorce or Tiger Woods marital indiscretions I may jump off my balcony or kick a baby. Do we not have anything better to do than revel in the mishaps of those in the public eye? Why don't we deter our attention away from the non-important lives of celebrities and instead focus on bigger issues like oh, I don't know, global warming? The recession? The conflict in the Middle East? Or how UCLA basketball can reestablish a dominate defensive presence and start showing a strong offensive prowess? 

Those are the topics that we should concern ourselves with. 

Instead more Americans subscribe to and read about the lives of those they do not know rather than about the national issues that directly effect them. 

And we still wonder how our nation has become plagued by ignorance and apathy.

OTL Weekend

Over the Line is a San Diego tradition that is a sort of softball derivative and combines sexual overtones with copious amounts of alcohol consumption.  Some take the so-called sport seriously but many others who participate in the event, such as ourselves, drink all day and attempt to bat and catch on the hot sand.

Even if you don't participate by playing, the overall experience is one that should not be missed as older women parade around in clothing, or rather lack there of, that would make any sane person vomit while older men try to get any willing gal to show their boobs.

This year rather than being a spectator as I had in previous years, Kaylee, Jenny, Stephanie and I decided to play. Now although we didn't have a raunchy name which has come to define OTL, we represented Kaylee's grandma's bar called The Waterfront.

Unfortunately for me and my liver, the night before I decided it was a great idea to stay up until 7:30 a.m. drinking. While my intentions were good that night the next day -- when we were going to partake in OTL -- my head and stomach tried to punish me.

Note to self: If you have previous engagements that require physical labor in the hot sun do not drink the night before or else you will contemplate jumping out of a moving vehicle on the freeway.

We get to Fiesta Island and I still feel like I want to die. Luckily for me I ran into people I knew who had beer. 

Ah, nothing better than a cold one to cure the hangover.

We meet up and three beers later our game is about to begin. We were nervous yeah but knew no matter what happened then and there, there would be more alcohol to be consumed and more men to be met. 

We ended up winning our first game and decided to celebrate by drinking more, which is only customary to the game of OTL. Mom and Grandma, I think it's an actual rule that you must be intoxicated while playing.

So only wanting to fit in and comply with the rules of the game us four girls drank.

Our next game wasn't quit as eventful as we got killed. 

Then and there I decided that OTL wasn't just about the game but rather enjoying your surroundings which consisted of:

• White trash
  
• Women in thongs
• Old men wearing hats that had penis' on them
• Golf carts with huge penis' on the front
• Women flashing
• Young kids crying when the cops caught them drinking
• Lesbians playing in the women's league
• Etc. Etc.

I think my favorite team name of the day was "She Told Me It Was Just A Rash."

So after once again getting killed in our third and final game the day seemed to be over. But since I had a bit of alcohol in me I didn't want it to end. My friends on the other hand were ready to go. They walked towards the car and I followed yet having ADD I got distracted along the way meeting new people and making guys give me drinks.

We didn't pay for a drink the whole day.

Every time Jenny and Kaylee would look behind them to their dismay I would have another free drink in my hand and a cigarette -- since we ran out early in the day -- and despite their anger in having to babysit me, they happily took the cigarette I had and smoked it. 

At least I come bearing gifts when I am drunk. 

Fourth Of July

Kaylee and I have a tradition of hanging out on the 4Th of July. And by hanging out I mean we get hammered, sometimes pass out before the fireworks have gone off and make awesome day-drinking decisions that aren't so awesome the next day ... and this year was no exception. 

We had planned to go to her grandma's beach house in Mission Beach which has been our usual hang out in prior years but instead opted to switch things up and go on our friend Brian's boat in Coronado Bay.

Are reasoning for abandoning our previous plans were such:

• We would be taken care of by friends who would not allow us to make bad day-drinking decisions.
  
• The food was free.
  
• The alcohol was free.
• We wouldn't have to pretend to act sober around her grandma.
• The alcohol was free.

And so on Friday the 3rd we spent the night at our friend Brian's house in Mission Valley since we planned to get up early the next day in order to enjoy a full day of sun, drinking and boating.

FYI: Our fourth of July tradition also entails enjoying a few too many cocktails the night before. 

And so only to keep the tradition alive, not because we are alcoholics, we decided it would only seem fit to consume a few adult beverages throughout the course of the night. Some of our friends came over to also partake in the drinking festivities and the night began.

We proceeded to play drinking games and get Brian's 19-year-old sister in the mix -- who ended up drinking us under the table like a champ and claim that no matter how strong we made the drink it was not strong enough.

Since Kaylee had to go to work at 4:30 the next morning I decided I would drink for the both of us and allow her to go to sleep at the reasonable hour of 2:00 a.m.  Now while I may not remember the exact sequence of events I do remember loudly playing Shakira in Spanish and impressing everyone by reciting the lyrics.  And by everyone I mean anyone who was listening and by everyone who was listening I mean I impressed myself since no one was listening. 

I proceeded to stay up until 5:00 a.m. in order to see Kaylee off to work and then pass out. 

I was abruptly awoken at 9:00 a.m. by some friends who had the bright idea of not getting hammered the night before but instead opting to drink on the fourth. 

I wanted to die. 

I didn't think I could make it through the day.

But being the amazing person I am I toughed it out and we picked up Kaylee at the Waterfront and headed down to the dock. 

Now all of Brian's family was there but since they have seen me through my fair share of rough nights I knew I could not embarrass myself.  That is until I realized in addition to his immediate family, his parents friends was there.  I knew then and there that I was going to make an ass out of myself as I do not have a filter when I get tipsy.

We took one of the boats out on a run and went tubing.  That was my first mistake.  As I got into the cool ocean water I immediately started thinking of the Jaws theme song everyone is so fond of and tried to climb back in the boat.  But they wouldn't let me. I started hyperventilating as even the beer at that point couldn't calm my nerves. I thought the next best thing was to get on the tube. I felt a bit of security when I climbed on it.  

The next mistake I made was riding on a one person tube with Kaylee as we both nudged for positioning so that we wouldn't fall off into the depths of the deep blue sea and get eaten by Jaws.

I have never had a tighter grip on something in my life, my knuckles turned white and I promised myself no matter what I would not fall off that damn tube. I'm pretty sure I would of pushed a small child or puppy off the tube if it meant that I would be safe and secure on it.

In the end we both did not fall off and we got safely back onto the boat, immediately popped open a cold one and lit a smoke after our tubing success.

We went back to the dock and ate.

Now Kaylee, unknown to me, snuck off and passed out in Brian's parents yacht.  So Brian, me, and his two friends decided to take the boat on yet another run. It was all fun and games until we were out in the middle of the ocean far away from the dock and a line got stuck in the engine and both the engine's would not turn back on.

Shit.

I was soaking wet and it felt like it was below zero outside.  We had to put it in neutral and put the whole way back.

My life flashed before my eyes, my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of the ocean.

By now it was dark outside and no one could see us as the fireworks were about to begin.  I curled into the fetal position and started yelling help to anyone or thing that passed by. The boys yelled at me to shut up but we were stuck out there in the middle of the ocean with no more alcohol or a lighter. What would you do?

I started panicking. Luckily I screamed loud enough so that someone heard me and we got a lighter. I felt a bit more at ease.

Three freezing hours later we got back to the dock and I have never felt so great in my life. I still think I should call into the show "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and tell them my story. I would definitely be on it.

Mind you this whole time Kaylee was peacefully sleeping in the warm confines of Brian's parents boat.

Perhaps next year Kaylee and I will stick to our usual plan of going to the beach house so at least then I won't almost die by getting stuck in the middle of the ocean.

June 26 Weekend Of Whit's Wedding

So a lot has happened in the past month and I am sorry I have neglected to write about it but I have been exhausted from writing all day at work and driving 40 minutes each way in that god for saken thing called traffic.

Anyways I will try and catch you up to the best of my memory.

Please note: many of the weekends I am going to speak about involved some sort of alcohol and so I may not remember every detail.

Another note: Grandma and Mama no I am not an alcoholic I only write about funny and fun things in my blog which just so happen to involve alcohol.

The weekend of June 26 was my best friend Whitney's wedding and if you know anything about the Holum family you knew it was going to be a blast.

On Friday night we had the rehearsal at her house and rehearsal dinner shortly thereafter at Marechiaro's -- where I used to work for about two weeks.

Upon getting to Whit's house around 5:00 pm I was happily greeted by the groom-to-be who was carrying an 18 pack of Coors Light. I don't know who I was more happy to see, him or the wonderful thing that is beer. So being the nice gal I am I gladly helped him out by lightening the load he was carrying and grabbing an ice cold beverage. There is nothing better than an ice cold beer after a long day of work -- or rather a long day of pretending like I am working whenever my boss pops in.

I mingled with everyone and about three beers and one shot of Patron in we were about to begin the rehearsal. All the girls gathered in the Holum house and I don't know who suggested it -- seeing that most of the bridesmaids have the same fondness of alcohol that I have -- but before I knew it Patron was being put in shot glasses for eight girls and the father of the bride-to-be.

We cheered and took it down like champs. All of a sudden the mother of the bride-to-be charged in downed a shot and ran back out to take part in her part of the rehearsal. Classic.

After the rehearsal was over I proceeded to take another shot but this time with a few of the groomsmen and the night began.

I caught a ride to Marechiaro's with some friends and got seated. Luckily for me the Champagne bottle was directly in front of my seat but unfortunately for me I sat next to the grooms brother who proceeded to hit on me the whole night with such phrases as:

"Do you want to stay local tonight?"

"My brother and your best friend are getting married let's celebrate the two of us tonight."

And so on.....

I'll have a double now please. Now.

I drank at an unreasonably rate after I was stuck next to the drunken brother who tried to get fresh with me by periodically stroking my arm to which I swatted off.

My sole effort that night was to try and avoid any awkwardness but of course I always attract the very best of men and by best of men I mean 32-year-old men who have children, comb their hair over and turn bright red and sweaty when they drink.

I ducked out and went back home.

The next day was the wedding.

I woke up picked up my dress, got my nails done and drove down to Whit's house to get ready.

Upon arriving there I went to her neigbors house where all the girls were getting ready and I don't know if they knew I was coming but there where three bottles of patron, limes already cut and everything.

Dear Jesus,

I love you.

Love Brittany

I took two shots with Whit before I even got my hair done and had a couple of cocktails. I was feeling pretty good and I'm sure all of the other bridesmaids were too.

The whole day leading up to the wedding was amazing. Cocktails, laughs and cries were aplenty. Whitney's hair looked amazing and she was beautiful.

As the guests arrived all the girls huddled into the Holum house to prepare to walk down the aisle outside. The Patron kept flowing and I believe we all took about three more shots with the father of the bride before even walking out. It sounded like girls gone wild in the house as we screamed everytime we took a shot.

Please note: We are only products of where our parents raised us.... good 'ol east county.

The ceremony began and I couldn't stop crying Whitney looked so pretty and her husband Alex looked hansome. The ceremony was perfect with its fair share of laughs and cries. And in the blink of an eye it was over and Whitney Holum was now Whitney Benjamin.

And so the reception began.

I don't remember how much I drank but I looked like I was having fun in all the pictures that surfaced the next week or so. We danced, drank and drank some more. My mom even got involved in the drinking aspect of the night.

The following things may or may not have happened during the wedding:

The best man sleeping with the mexican maid in the bushes.

The mexican maid falsely accusing me of throwing up in Whitney's bathroom.

Me freaking with the father-of-the-bride.

Me talking to people I have not seen in years and having no idea what I said to them.

One of the bridesmaids falling off a swing.

The groom asking me to not let Whitney drink that much because he wants her to be able to make it down the aisle.

The bride needing to take a poop before she went down the aisle only to realize it was a false alarm.

It was seriously the best wedding ever, I wouldn't have changed a thing and I'm sure Whitney feels the same. This one is for the record books.

The Weekend of June 19 (A Long Time Ago I Know But My Computer Hasn't Been Letting Me Get On Here)

So as of late I have done a lot of moving and I am now living in Oceanside with my aunt, uncle, their two dogs and my two dogs. It is quite a full house but it's nice and there is never a dull moment especially with four crazy dogs running a muck. It actually looks like we are running some sort of kennel for naughty dogs who bark at anything that makes noise, persist to play while we are watching tv and lay on us in a way that makes us so uncomfortable but accomodates their needs.

Dog ownership is a sick thing. You go out of your way to make them happy at the expense of your own well-being and sanity. But all in all it has been nice and relaxing given that the previous week I stayed in three different places.

In addition to finally having my own room, the fact that my boss is gone on vacation made my week all the more pleasant as the office or rather the Nazi concentration camp he runs became more relaxed in his absence. My week went by without any complaints from me as I previously stated Hitler aka my boss was out of the office.

On Friday day I was all primed and ready to go out to Stingaree with some girlfriends as my good friend Brian was having an art show there. The whole day I didn't feel well, threw up in a McDonalds cup but still manned up enough to go out to the club. Upon getting there I was in an utter disbelief as I was already tipsy and there were no attractive men there. Not one. Not even with beer goggles.

I mean in all honesty I'm really not that that picky but I'm pretty sure balding middle aged men should not be at a night club for the following reasons:

A. It's creepy

B. It makes everyone uncomfortable

C. They should be home watching Frasier reruns

D. It's creepy

Seriously though if you look like you could be someones grandfather a nightclub is not the place for you. No offense to grandmas and grandpas but the middle aged 40 + men are only there looking for a nice hot thing to make a trophy wife and someone who will help them administer viagra when in the mood. Me on the other hand not my sort of thing.

Kaylee, Jenny, Stephanie and I talked and hung out but as I was still not feeling all that great so I decided to drive back to O Side and call it a night.

Saturday was quite possibly the best day of my life. I did absolutely nothing. I proceeded to watch four different movies back-to-back and only left the house once in order to get food.

Weekend of June 10

So with the kids and I staying with Kaylee last weekend we had the privilege of staying in the cozy confines of her beach house in Mission Beach. I had worked what seemed to be the longest week of my life and so after work on Friday I was greeted by Kaylee and the kids.

Since Kaylee had to work the next morning super early we decided to stay in and watch scary movies. Aw aren't we so cute..... or pathetic.

On Saturday June 10 my friend Krista graduated from UCSD and despite Kaylee, Jenny and I showing up 2 hours late to her graduation party, for no good reason, we all had a great time. My immediate thought after greeting Krista was to find the alcohol I saw in her family and friends' hands. Once I found where they were hoarding the beer I began to drink at an unreasonably fast rate. After three beers in 20 minutes I was cracking jokes with everyone and Krista and I were the life of her party.

Please note: If you are having a party and want to be the center of attention do not invite me as I will steal your glory because I was an only child for 20 years and I still I think everything is about me. Cause it is.

But back to Krista's party.... her whole family was there and it was a lot of good times with good people.

After her party we all headed back to Kaylee's beach house for some drinks and to get ready to go out. We decided to go to sandbar, which is less than a block away and easy to walk or crawl to after consuming drinks. We put on another coat of makeup, deodorant and perfume and were off.

Now for all of you who know Jenny, Krista, Kaylee and I when we are together it is craziness. There doesn't even have to be alcohol involved for us to be the life of the party and act crazy but when you add alcohol into the equation shit hits the fan.

The following things may or may have not happened to one or more of us thus far in our drunken nights:

Throwing up in a bed all over the sheets, falling off a skateboard in the middle of the street, bathing suit tops coming off in a jacuzzi, having a make out contest with a random guy on the boardwalk, waking up to find sand in not so pleasant places, jumping off a cliff in havasu because your friend propositions you with a beer bong, waking up with no pants on and the list goes on.

However please note: I have left out many other things that have occured as I do not want to divulge to you, the reader, some of the not so PG situations we have found ourselves in.

But back to the four of us going out for Krista's graduation. We get to the bar only to come to the horrible realization that there are no attractive men. And when I say none I mean none.

Now our conversations about the men went something like this:

"Hey that guy would be cute if he had all his teeth, yeah his friend would be cute if his nose wasn't the size of the banana." Anytime your night begins like this nothing good ever comes out of it. It will usually end in my friends or I kissing the ugly guy because the rest of us will sadistically conspire to tell the other that the ugly guy with no teeth and acne actually is cute once you get to know him.

A couple of vodka/crans later the men became more attractive and my friends became more fun. We proceeded to not give a shit what anyone else thought and started making up dance moves in the middle of the dance floor. We laughed, drank, danced, met random guys and had soooo much fun. Some guys came back to the house but when the alcohol was all out I decided to go to sleep since none of the guys seemed as cool or attractive when I couldn't see double anymore.

So I went to bed and woke up the next morning with my hair, chest and hands covered in something sticky and a lollipop stuck to my shirt. I don't remember eating a sucker. As I walked out to the living room and was made fun of by my friends I swooped in on their current conversation about how they were mad because three hot boys spent the night. Now this usually would never be a problem except for the fact that we had no idea they slept there. Now I'm not a genius or anything but I'm pretty sure it's a good night when there are three hot men, three girls and a slumber party results. But the fact that we didn't even know that's just depressing. How did we not jump on this opportunity? It's no wonder why the four of us are all single as apparently we love drinking alcohol and passing out more than we love the embrace of a man.

The next day my mom, Heleyna and Michael met me at the beach to go to Belmont park and ride the rides. It was so great to see them all and we had sooooo much fun riding the rides, eating cotton candy and going to the beach. Heleyna went on the scariest rides and Michael went on the merry-go-round, a submarine and a little boat. It was so cute seeing how much fun they had and to see that even the simplest things in life make kids so happy.

Krista came over to the beach house after they left and brought with her a small bar with many handles of liquor. I obstained from drinking for the night but Krista managed to get a great buzz and be the usually happy drunk she is.

I went to bed and my work week started the next day. Now usually I will compare my work to a Chinese sweatshop but with my boss out of town the atmosphere was a little less than the usual concentration camp we work in. I believe that week my attire consisted of either sweats or jeans and doing the least amount of work possible. All in all it was a great weekend that was followed by a good week.

Be still my babies funnier blogs will follow. But until then I will end with a little food for thought: friends don't let friends get fat and if they do they aren't good friends. I am now considering finding new friends.

This Crazy Little Thing Called My Life

To make a long story short my life has been a little hectic as of late. 

But to avoid all the boring details as to why on a daily basis I contemplate ways in which I can torture others to make myself feel better I will just explain how my week has gone thus far. 

On Monday I spent the night at my friend Brian's house. I brought my dogs with me and had to keep Charlie contained in Brian's room as at times he will bite innocent bystanders. I then proceeded to not only make Brian feel unwelcome in his own room, since Charlie would threaten his life him every time he walked in,  I took over Brian's bedroom as Charlie claimed it as his own. Kaylee, Krista, Charlie, Stella and I all slept together while Brian took the couch. 

And in case you didn't know, that many people and/or animals in one bed is not the most comfortable way to sleep. I believe laying in the middle of the street as cars swerved around to avoid hitting  me would be more peaceful than sleeping with my two friends who proceeded to stick their feet in my face while making weird noises in their sleep.   

On Tuesday night I spent the night in Alpine at Kaylee's house and if situations could not get worse Charlie tried to commit suicide by trying to make friends with a horse. The little angel presumed to go in the stall with a horse known to kick dogs in the head. Luckily my death threats to Charlie paid off as he did not get kicked in the head.

Kaylee and I made dinner, which consisted of hamburger helper and frozen corn, and watched "He's Just Not That Into You." While it was supposed to be a comedy, I didn't find anything funny about it as every situation made me realize why I am still single. I would consider it more of an informational movie as to why all of my relationships have failed.

On Wednesday night I again spent the night with Kaylee but this time it was at her beach house. Things were starting to look up as the kids and I were couch surfing in style. But I then thought it was a good idea to drink massive amounts of alcohol by myself. While trying to peer pressure my friends into falling off the wagon with me I presumed to drink myself under the table. Apparently peer pressure doesn't work on anyone except for me. For example you don't even have to pressure me to drink, I have adopted Nike's moto and just do it...on a nightly basis.

Note To Self: Drinking on a work night is not a great idea. Not only are you extremely hungover and very unproductive at work but you contemplate ways to kill your coworkers which is very unhealthy and psychotic. 

But back to Wednesday night. I presumed to proposition this guy who I thought was cute at the time in passing to come over and hang out. I got a free bottle of champagne that night but the next day I had to try and reason with Kaylee and myself that he was cute. 

Another Note to Self: when you have to reason with yourself that a guy is cute chances are he is not. 

I spent the night on Thursday again at Kaylee's beach house. Kaylee and I presumed to stay on the wagon and not consume any alcoholic beverages. It was hard at first but I was glad I had someone there to comfort me during the shakes. We went to bed relatively early but I woke up this morning more tired than ever. I went to work and that was uneventful and depressing as Kaylee texted me numerous times telling me to come home. 

Dear Kaylee, 

I can't come home I have to fucking work but thanks for making sure I know that you are home taking naps and relaxing. 

Love, Brittany

P.S. I hate you. 

My friends try to ruin my life everyday. I think I need new friends.

Hopefully this weekend will be more eventful, as my boring life is deterring me from being funny in my blogs, but until then: Don't get caught drinking while driving and spay and neuter your pets.